Silencing the Accusers

     The voices in my head would not be silenced. Even after three years, they would attack at my weakest moments. Often I was alone when the onslaught would come.

"You are a failure."

"You are flawed."

"No one will love you ever again."

"You will be alone forever."

     The words like accusers’ stones flew at me. Their damage was not visible on the outside but my insides took a beating. My self esteem was low and I struggled to keep from falling even deeper into depression. I tried to stop the voices by distraction – looking for someone to love me.Or I would try to shut them up by casting blame. Or I would just hide behind the busyness of three kids and a full time job. But I couldn’t get away from the voices saying I would forever be defined by my divorce.
   
     On a recent Sunday I was particularly frustrated that the assault came while I was sitting in worship. Couldn’t I worship without this pain? Wasn’t this place supposed to be a sanctuary? At first, I was angry and wanted them to go away. Then, as Chuck began his sermon about the Holy Spirit, I felt led to ask myself the question, What might God want to do with these voices while I was in His house?

     I had prayed for healing for a long time. I knew the peace and growth I desired would be elusive if these voices continued. The miracle would come on this day but not in the manner I expected. Rather than through retribution and revenge as I selfishly hoped, instead it came through forgiveness. Not by someone else being forgiven but by my own forgiveness. And even more surprising, the one who needed to forgive me was also me.

     As I allowed God to help me face the voices in my head, I remembered one of my favorite stories about Jesus. In John 8, Jesus is confronted by a crowd accusing a woman of adultery. These angry accusers held the stones to punish the woman and asked Jesus if she should be stoned. Jesus tells her accusers, “All right, stone her. But let those who have never sinned throw the first stones!”(John 8: NLT) The woman’s accusers were rendered powerless in the face of their own sins and their own need for forgiveness.

     I realized the accusers in my head were not the voices of many other people but my own, my voice accusing me of being a failure. I was angry at myself for failing to keep my marriage together. And I heard Jesus’ words to the accusers pointed back at me, “All right, stone her. But only if you have never sinned.” When confronted with my own need for forgiveness, the voices were finally silenced.

     And so while Chuck preached, I confessed I had failed to keep my marriage together. I confessed that even though I know I did all I could the vow I had taken before Him was now broken. I confessed even though my intention was to never hurt my children, I was part of the cause of the pain they have endured. And I sought God’s forgiveness. I put down the stones aimed at me and allowed God’s forgiveness to wash over me.

     A verse came to mind as I prayed, I John 1:9 “On the other hand, if we admit our sins—make a clean breast of them—he won't let us down; he'll be true to himself. He'll forgive our sins and purge us of all wrongdoing”(The Message).Tears began flowing down my cheeks as I realized God was answering my prayer. Jesus silenced my accuser through forgiveness just as he silenced the woman’s accusers. And I could hear his voice saying to me,

“Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?”

“No, Lord.”

“Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”