Friday, November 26, 2010

A Heart-Melting "Here-ness"

While living in Kentucky, the Army Corps of Engineers removed a mountain from behind our home. For many months, we endured daily blasting and the endless roar of huge dump trucks removing earth from behind our house. A monumental task for one goal to change the path of the Cumberland River in order to avert more destructive flooding.

When I think about making large changes in my own life, I often think this kind of superhuman effort is needed. After all, I try again and again to control my thoughts only to find myself continuing in the old patterns. If nothing else, this experiment has reminded me of my weaknesses and how far away I am from who I want to be. The more I want to seek God, the more my thoughts stray to other things. Soon the task seems overwhelming and well beyond my feebleness.

My dear friend, Frank, struggled with the same thing. As I read his words, I was surprised to hear his own struggle with the great effort it seemed this task should take.  While many entries speak of the extreme joy he found in his own experiment amongst them is one where he speaks of his own struggle. At first, he speaks of the extreme effort he believed it would take to achieve his goal.
"I have to make a greater effort next week. I have undertaken something which, at my age at least, is hard, harder than I had anticipated. But I resolve not to give up the effort."
But then he continues with another profound truth. For he sees that it is not a greater effort which is needed but something which seems so very counter-intuitive to us go-getters and independent folk.
"Yet strain does not seem to do good. At this moment I feel something 'let go' inside, and lo, God is here! It is a heart melting 'here-ness,' a lovely whispering of father to child, and the reason I did not have it before, was because I failed to let go."
What do we do when the going gets tough? We, the tough, get going. But that is not what God calls us to do and it is not what Frank tells me to do. We let go. Or as the saying says, "Let Go; Let God." In my own experience this month, the moments I have felt closest to God are the very ones where I find myself resting rather than working. It is in the quietness of rest where I have experienced the wonder of a "heart melting 'here-ness'." The chaos of work and the need to control are counter-productive to this task ahead of me.

As a fairly young child, my mom taught me the joy of floating on my back in the water. She would float for a long time in the pool not moving but just allowing the water to keep her body up. She talked about how relaxing it was to feel the water holding her up and moving with the gentle waves. I, too, enjoy floating when I have the chance. Nothing is more relaxing than letting go and resting on the water. However, the moment you tense up, the floating takes effort and becomes work. I use this image when I think about letting go in my life. Leaning against the one who loves me more than any other and allowing him complete control. And in the rare moments I can do this, I know the "heart melting here-ness only He can provide.

Beginning All Over Instantly

Many years ago, we hosted a small group bible study in our home. At the time we were having plumbing trouble in our upstairs bathroom. The shower would leak and we hadn't yet figured out where the leak was coming from. As we were wrapping up our study, something caught my eye high on the wall, a very large "bubble" was forming in the paint. Before I knew it water was squirting out of the bubble and our study ended abruptly.

Water will travel the path of least resistance which is downward and will work its way into the smallest of cracks. This is a truth that cannot be denied. I will assert that my thought patterns are no different. No matter how much I would wish it to be different, my thoughts often travel the well worn path of least resistance and lead me to the same place every time. When I began my experiment at the beginning of the month, I had high hopes of changing these patterns. Twenty six days in, I will have to admit the results are truly mixed.

I knew the inherent risks of sharing this with others. When I admitted to even one person I was trying to seek continually God's presence, I opened myself up to both encouragement and criticism. I believe it was the right thing to do as I know it benefited me and I humbly, hoped it would benefit others. After all, I am not a spiritual superpower, rather I am pretty ordinary. Basically, if I could find benefit in this endeavor, I hoped others might be inspired to try it also.

And it has not been easy. I have experienced both great highs and massive lows. I have succeeded in seeking God more this month, but the truth is, that wouldn't have taken much effort.  After my divorce, I almost left my faith behind with my marriage, so God hasn't been a wanted part of my life for some time. The past week has been particularly challenging, I have searched for someone else rather than God.  I have fallen back into the old patterns which destroy rather than build up. But once again, I have found solace in the words of Frank Laubach,
"It is dangerous to tell people, and yet, I must tell and I must start over now and succeed. This philosophy that one can begin all over instantly at any moment, is proving of great help." (Letters from a Modern Mystic)
 What a wonderful thing grace is - we can begin all over instantly at any moment. Frank shared his own struggle with not living up to his expectations and wondering what others must think of his failures. Yet, he states a great and glorious truth we often forget, "one can begin all over instantly at any moment." This is a tough thing to remember when I would rather beat myself up for my failures. But deep inside, I know it is true and I rejoice that God is not a "one and done" God but is a patient and loving Father who helps me along at each and every step. So I will pick myself up, dust off the old once again and begin all over again one more time.

Monday, November 8, 2010

My Imaginary Friend "Company"

As I a child, I had an imaginary friend. Her name was "Company." I remember Company coming around when I was alone. She brought friends with her. Looking back, I see even as a young child I didn't like being alone. So much so my imaginary friend though only a single person had a name which would normally imply a larger group.

To this day, I don't like being alone. My biggest battle is loneliness. I never wanted to live a single life. But here I am, faced with the reality of what I never wanted. Not even my friend, Company, visits me anymore. And I have to ask myself, "What now?"

Honestly, my first response was not to seek God. Rather my first response has been to seek my own solution. Sarah when faced with God's promise of a child for Abraham and the reality of her own old, barren body, took matters in her own hands and made sure Abraham fathered a child with Hagar. Like Sarah, I wanted to hurry along the process. God obviously needed a little help. And I wanted to leave no room for doubt.

As a child, I could create my own "company." As an adult, I now know, I cannot. And this experiment is a way to remind me that God alone provides all I need better than anyone else real or imagined. And His plan is the best plan, no matter how clever or ingenious I might be. The child Ishmail has caused strife from the day he was born. I have wreaked enough havoc in my own life and the lives of other innocent souls.

So I embrace Frank's resolution not to prove a point or make myself holier. Rather I embrace this resolution to bring God closer to me each day as a means of survival and as an act of faith. If God is with me, then I am never alone. And if I trust God with my present, He will take care of my future too. And maybe, just maybe that will include the desire of my heart, but if not, I know He will always be enough. 

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Every Other Thing Takes Care of Itself

"To know this gives a sense of security and assurance for the future which is also new to my life. I seem to have to make sure of only one thing now, and every other thing "takes care of itself," or I prefer to say what is more true, God takes care of all the rest." Frank Laubach, January 29, 1930

As a modern woman, I take great pride in my ability to multi-task. Raised to be an independent person who never asks for help, I strive to keep all the balls in the air all by myself. When I became a single working Mom the juggling intensified but the sense of failure multiplied exponentially.

This week has been a particularly bad week. Work has been more demanding than usual with long hours filled with stressful situations. Home has its usual demands with kids schedules and responsibilities. The feelings of loneliness I battle now just get stronger and stronger to the point of despair.

Yesterday, in the midst of my experiment, I felt the pull to the old way rather than my new thinking. After a 12 plus hour day at work, I was driving home and got stuck in traffic because of an accident on the parkway. Alone in my car between my two worlds, I felt painfully alone.  I longed for arms to be waiting for me at home rather than two kids with demands for Mom. And I wanted someone to tell me everything was going to be.

I prayed and I talked to God. But I also sent texts in hopes someone would call me. No calls and I knew I would not find peace there. So I spent the rest of my commute calling out to God. And thinking of Frank's words, "I seem to only have to make sure of one thing."  One thing is all I have to make sure of - asking God into each moment and "every other thing takes care of itself." The rest of my drive was spent focusing on one thing and nothing else.

"My part is to live this hour in continuous inner conversation with God and in perfect responsiveness to his will. To make this hour gloriously rich. This seems to be all I need think about." Frank Laubach, January 29, 1930
In the moment, I cannot say I felt the glorious richness of a moment spent with God as described by Frank. However, this morning, I can say last night was more peace filled than other lonely evenings.  I didn't fall into old patterns which consistently lead me to sadness and anxiety. So maybe it was a small step forward. And I am ready to work more on the "one thing" and letting every other thing  take care of itself.

Monday, November 1, 2010

I Resolve. . .

"I resolve" is not what you normally hear on November 1. Most of us are just coming off the sugar high of Halloween and beginning to muster the energy to face the holidays, not thinking about a new year and it's resolutions. However, I have put off this resolution for awhile now and I don't think there is a better time than the present to begin. So today I resolve. . .

"As for me I resolved that I would succeed better this year with my experiment of filling every minute full of the thought of God than I succeeded last year." (Laubach, Frank, Letters from A Modern Mystic)

Frank Laubach was a missionary to the Philippines who wrote these words at the beginning of 1930 on the island of Mindanao where he was beginning his work with the Moros people. He was alone on the island with no other English speaking people. The letters he wrote to his father during this time have been compiled into a small book entitled, Letters from a Modern Mystic.  The letters focus on Laubach's experiment in filling every moment with thoughts of God. I read this book many years ago but was recently drawn back to it.

After losing the one thing I thought I could never live without, my faith took a beating. In all honesty, I almost walked away from it. I was angry at the world and especially angry at God. Over time, I could feel God's presence and  call to return but I still struggle with seeking my own protection and provision. My battered faith is weak and in need of a great deal of support. I miss the peace of trusting God I knew before, a long time ago before the storms came.

How do I regain that faith? I am going to begin my own experiment, my own resolution.
"I resolve to fill every minute full of the thought of God for the next 30 days."
So, its not a year but I believe in starting small. For the next 30 days, I will make a conscious and concerted effort to think about God more. Not just a 30 minute devotion in the morning or a prayer at night. But will strive to have the thought of God in my mind throughout the day - while I am at work, while I am driving in traffic, cooking dinner, watching TV with my daughter. And I resolve to share my experiment on a regular basis through this blog. Keep watching and share this adventure with me. Frank will join us as I continue to read through his book again.

What do I expect? How will I do it? I don't know. I will explore the questions as I go along. For now, "I resolve to fill every minute full of the thought of God" is enough.